Hi fswife. No, I have not lost my Libido. It is still very much there. I am still very interested in and perfectly capable of having sex----But, not with my wife. I'm simply no longer interested. Thats very direct, but thats the way it is. Of course, I am not speaking for all men---just me.

So now when he goes for the bag of cheetos she's like "Yeah... you need to keep yourself up to keep me around you realize that right?"

God, I love it when the obvious is put into such clear and simple terms. I've got a couple friends that are not married, but are in long term relationships. I'm starting to think this is where marriage muddles things and has way to many people making promises they don't keep. How many of us here would be where we are now if we had stated and our partners understood the simple truth. I'd like to rephrase it, but the sentiment is just so dead on.

I've kept up with this thread, but have stayed away from it until now - as I don't like to get too detailed/personal with certain information. So, I'm approaching this, in what I feel, is the most decent way possible.

Despite the fat, my husband has never stopped being intimate with me. Now, I'm no idiot either, and I completely understand there have been times - and proably still are times - when it's simply a "release" for him. Surely this has made me harbor a certain amount of resentment, but in some ways, I don't - and can't - blame him. Without sounding too vain I had an amazing body before having kids, and just as I've had to deal with it being gone, so has he. When I was younger, it bothered me (knowing I was a "release) - to the point it sent me into a further anxiety/depression. However, now that I'm older, I see his point more clearly. That is why I told him he could leave. Life is too f**king short to be miserable, especially when he could easily be with another woman. But it's also freed me, in a way, to finally be able to pursue my weight loss goals. I hope I'm making sense.

But he has stayed and has never stopped seeking intimacy with me. He's an attractive man, but I'm just as pretty as he is handsome. He's always told me that staying has nothing to do with money either. So, with that considered, I think he has stayed because there has always been a part of him that knew somewhere down the road I'd lose weight, get my sweet figure back, and he didn't want to see me - an attractive, genuinely nice (never been bit*hy), faithful/loyal, intelligent, "good" woman in the arms of another man. And although I've been fat for many years, and am currently a recovering fatty, I've never carried myself in a lowly way. I think he's always liked my strong-willed spirit and how I possess qualities most men generally desire in a long-term mate/wife. That's my theory.


On the flip side, after having the time to read through a lot of other posts, some of you "fit" spouses are in really difficult situations! And I feel for many of you! I think being intimate with a 250+ pound individual would be rather difficult! I definitely have a new perspective, which is a good thing! I can only say I hope your spouses lose weight!

-Sunshine

fatsowife wrote:

QUOTE:
I just want to ask - have any of you other "fit" husbands experienced a total loss of libido (I mean not just for her) once your wife became unattractive to you because of her weight?

Not a total loss at all. In fact, I can not discern whether or not I've lost any libido, but I don't desire to have sex with her. We still do, quite a lot, but unfortunately, it has become a release for me/her, more than anything.

I do fantasize a lot when we are having sex...maybe too much information, sorry, but it's true.

I know she resents that I rarely initiate sex anymore, but I think she knows why.

New Book:

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

Time Article on the subject:

Help for Sex-Starved Wives

Great Quote:

Time:

QUOTE:
But many women blame it on their physical appearance. Is that an issue?

Davis:

QUOTE:
I've gotten tons of e-mails and heard this many times from men in my practice, who say, "I love my wife. I want to stay married, but, I have to tell you, she has totally let herself go. She doesn't eat well. She doesn't exercise. All she ever wears is sweatpants. It makes me feel that she feels that the relationship isn't important. I've just lost my attraction for her." If [those wives] think there's any chance at all that their looks may have something to do with the problem, rather than bemoan the fact that they think their husbands are shallow — I agree — they should also understand that attraction is a very basic, animalistic thing — especially for men. Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal. So women can debate that, but the truth is, if they really want their husbands be more interested in them, they should pay more attention to how they're taking care of themselves physically.

DING DING DING DING!!!!!

Same goes for you fat hubbies too. I don't think this issue is a Male exclusive one!

{mosgoogle center}

I used to be the fat spouse. My belly shook when I brushed my teeth, I could barely keep up with my daughter, a flight of stairs winded me, and perhaps worst of all, my endurance in bed had drastically declined.

I am so glad that I was able to turn it all around, ditch over 40 lbs, and get back both my libido and my endurance. And the best part of it- sex is a great exercise! So by regaining your libido you add another excellent exercise to your repertoire that you and your spouse can enjoy.

BTW, love the site. Keep up the great work.

Thanks for the note...

I'm glad you turned yourself around.

Feel free to keep participating Kaiser!

kar

the thing is, you are trying to find a way to approach him...when HE should be trying to find a way to attract YOU--by caring enough to choose you over food. it's an addiction, like with alcohol or drugs--and it's the same question: does he love you or the food more...in the end, if he loves a burger more than his wife, you need to find someone who can give you what you need...I am rapidly coming to this point with my wife

Hi everybody - I am the fat spouse. Didn’t start out that way, but 9yrs later, here I am. I don’t want to make excuses for it either. I’ve always struggled with my weight and DH acknowledged it prior to our marriage, that he couldn’t be with someone that is heavy.

That statement hurt. Maybe I internalized it and subconsciously retaliated ? I don’t know - this self focus is exhausting. Nonetheless I am 100lbs overweight. This is the most that I’ve ever weighed. I’m built like an apple and have a huge belly that appears to have a baby in it, but there is absolutely no chance of that happening, for my hubby and I haven’t have sex for about a year.

I’ve accepted the fact that there will be no sex between us until I lose weight; but I cannot accept that I am this ugly, pariah, that is undeserving of hugs, touches, physical gestures of affection. I need these gestures;
I need him to touch the small of my back, to run his fingers through my hair, to touch me under my chin. These small gestures of intimacy will take me through my journey to weight loss.

I’ll remain diligent with my diet; until some emotion rears it’s head - then BANG - I’ll sneak-eat 3 candy bars and subsequently set off some binge. I realize how self defeating these behaviors are, but don’t know how to ask for help. Today I acknowledged the whole mess to my DH so we both know where we stand with each other.

I’m not asking for sex - honest I’m not; I have no desire and do not wish anyone to see my fat body. I’m asking for him to sit by me; mess up my hair; ask for a hug. These things will feed my emotions and may help me be able to fight off those demons who tell me to give in to my cravings…

Thanks for being here.
Shelley

thanks for posting and making something so painful so easy to understand. I'm going to hazard a guess here that may help to explain DH's behavior. DU resents your weight. He resents the loss of his sex life. He resents feeling embarassed by it. I'm going to go even further out on a limb and say he probably resents having to do a variety of things that your obesity prevents you from doing. This might include, but is probably not limited to the house and yard work, grocery shopping, taking kids to the beach, walking the dog, attending social events you don't feel comfortable going to... There maybe some things he likes to do like go hiking or biking or swimming or walking, he might wish you would go with, but I'm going to guess roller blades are little scary when you are a 100 pounds overweight. Let me ask you, what don't you to because you are too heavy? If your husband asked you to go out dancing would you go? This is probably eating him up as much as it is you. It is not difficult to understand. Tell him how you feel. Invite him to let out his feelings about you weight to you. The only thing you can do is get this out in the open and deal with it. Good luck.

Hi dragginwood, welcome!

My impression from your post is that you have a lot of emotions going on there - and that all the feelings, insecurities and anxieties are spilling over and getting mixed up into your weight-loss attempts.

Being 100lbs overweight is certainly not good at all and your lifestyle obviously needs a major makeover - but the good news is that you can do it, and start feeling a whole lot better about yourself and your body in the process. Regardless of what your husband says or does and whatever is going on in your marriage, the weight has to go.

It sounds a bit like you're caught up in an "on-off" thinking re your diet, and are demonizing certain foods. There might be purely physiological reasons for your cravings, and giving in to them doesn't mean that you are a bad person. It just means that your meal-patterns probably aren't very good. For example, if you don't eat a proper breakfast and skimp on lunch you are bound to overeat and give in to cravings in the evening - and then feel guilty and start the cycle all over again the following morning.

Further, a candy-bar or two once a week or so is not going to kill your weight-loss attempts, and you don't need to swear them off for the rest of your life in order to loose weight. You just can't eat them every day. How about working in regular cheat-days or cheat-meals into your plan?

Thanks for the warm welcome. Your input does help; this is extremely painful to talk about and there are a lot of emotions in play.

This problem of mine has followed me my entire life. I’ve been fat and I’ve been thin (more former - than latter). DH and I met when I was semi-fat; which I’m sure precluded his statement that he couldn’t be with a “fatty”.

I only wish DH would take me dancing! HA HA. That’s so funny Seriously, despite the load that I tote around, I am relatively active participant in this life. I hold a FT job (I work afternoon shift) as well as care for our kids and home. Honestly, our relationship would need work even if I didn’t have an obesity problem. We both know that.

From my own personal experience, expressing affection in ways that you mentioned are the result of my being attracted to my spouse. Well, if there is no attraction, the desire to do those things is gone. I don't think attraction or expressions of affection are things that should be demanded, but rather inspired. You have the power to do that by becoming physically attractive to him again. But insisting that he be affectionate in physical ways if he has no desire to be is unfair. It's basically asking for the benefits of loosing weight without actually loosing any. I understand that perhaps it would help you be more motivated, but I think you need to find your motivation from yourself, not another person. Could or should he be more affectionate?? Probably. And I hope for your sake he'll do what he can to help your weight loss efforts, but ultimately this is something YOU have to do, regardless of his actions.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But maybe it'll help you understand where you husband is coming from. This whole situation is probably very painful for him as well. I wish you the best in your efforts!!

I agree with domboy, and sorry if I came across as harsh. What I wanted to say though is that it looks like you are very much an emotional eater, and if this is indeed the case then this behavior needs to change. Otherwise it's very likely that you will always turn to food for comfort when you are stressed and/or unhappy.

Even if your marital problems were magically solved overnight, there inevitably will be other difficult situations lined up: being the mother of a toddler, problems at work, financial issues, family-trouble, loved ones passing away... There's no way that you can prevent shitty things in life from happening to you, so you just have to somehow learn to cope with them without resorting to self-destructive behaviors.

Both Domboy and Mary make great points, Dragginwood. To me it feels like you're saying that if your husband doesn't become more affectionate with you that you'll be staying fat because you need his affection to keep going.

I do not want to sound harsh either, but I've been in your shoes so I can especially sound off on this. You can't depend on your husband to motivate you or emotionally support you right now. What you really need to do is learn to reach within yourself for that support and become self-motivated.

The next step after that is to tell those who live closest to you your intentions. Tell them that you have a goal and in order for you to have success, you need them to understand that things will be changing around the house. For instance, you won't be keeping junk food around, you'll be spending time doing exercise, etc. and that you need everyone to understand that these things are important.

After that, take action. Clean out your cupboards. Take out anything that claims to be a whole meal in a box, anything with preservatives or chemicals you can't pronounce, anything with high-fructose corn syrup or MSG, basically any "dirty" foods. They say not to demonize foods, but when someone is in as unhealthy a state as you are, I call for a clean diet.

Mary is right when she says you don't have to give up junk food forever and never touch it again. You just can't have it every day. And honestly, you don't WANT it every day. It becomes less special when you have sweets or decadent snacks too often. My rule that works for me is that any treat I have is planned, and not impulsive. And that it's a single-serving item that is bought by itself (not a multipack, for instance, even if it seems like a better deal it isn't), and once it's gone, it's gone and there are no more until the next planned indulgence. TOTAL deprivation of treats often causes people to want to binge, but having a planned indulgence like once a week isn't going to harm your goals so long as it's balanced out.

I don't like to use the term "cheat day" as it implies that the whole DAY is a free-for-all binge-fest. I prefer cheat meal. In my situation, I meet my folks for dinner once a week on Sunday. That's the one meal a week I allow myself to eat what I want. Now, that doesn't mean I go hog-wild and binge. I still eat reasonable portions and don't overeat, but instead of following my food plan I indulge a little. Then I usually get a small dessert of some kind on that day, too. That's my cheat. The rest of the week, I'm on program no matter what (although I do slip sometimes as do all people, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and we all have to take it one day at a time).

In order to achieve total fitness and lasting weight maintainence, one needs to also adopt an exercise program. Since you are pretty big right now, your body will burn more calories than a smaller person's body. Actually, take advantage of this time because if you start exercising now (along w/ improved diet w/ measured portions of course, gotta have both) you will lose a huge chunk of weight rather easily. Your body will naturally shed pounds pretty quickly. In fact, it's always easiest to lose the first chunk of weight, but the last 30 or so lbs (that's my sitch right now) are the hardest to lose. As you become more fit and your body needs to be more challenged, the lighter exercise you start with won't be enough, and you'll have to move on to more challenging exercise. But in the beginning, it can be quite easy once you make the initial changes.

I started with walking and doing some simple calisthenics at home. I would walk for an hour on 3 days out of the week and do 30 crunches and play with some Theraband resistance tubing to get in some "strength training." Now I'm doing 100-200 crunches a day and doing around 50 pushups, and I jog, powerwalk, swim, and bellydance (I'm lucky to have a friend quite good at it who showed me some basic moves, then I picked up a video since right now I don't have the money or time to join a bellydancing class). I have stopped swimming for now since I've had a chronic sinus infection for going on 2 months now, and I really want to kick it for good and the doc told me to take a break from swimming til warmer weather comes back, so I'll find other ways to challenge myself. So you can start out small and work your way up.

I'm going over all that to show you that you don't have to join a fancy gym to get a good workout. You can do it at home for free. If the weather is nice you can walk around your neighborhood. If it's not, you can put on your favorite music and dance around your house. If you have stairs at your disposal, climbing those over and over again is a great workout.

Learning that food does not equal emotion is a hard hurdle to get over, especially when you've struggled with emotional eating. But it's absolutely true. Food is fuel for your body. Sure, we should enjoy the way it tastes and enjoy eating it, but when the meal is over and you've been fed to what you need, the eating needs to stop.

I do hope that if your husband sees you making efforts towards improving your weight that he'll warm up to you a little more. There is a lot to be said for emotional independence and the ability to comfort yourself, but we all need a little external comfort from someone we love from time to time as well. So I hope that if you make an effort he'll start to do those little affectionate things again. Just learn not to become dependent on those to get you through. We all need to learn to comfort ourselves internally, without the use of food or anything else.

Good luck! I wasn't a fat child, but I was a fat teen/adult, and I've been thin too, but my weight has always fluctuated. I think at this point in my life I'm finally ready to be thin and fit, I consider this my final "goodbye" to my fat, so if you ever want pointers on anything from someone who's been there, hit me up. I also have a link to a great support site for weight loss that's very straightforward and no-nonsense, and it's relatively drama free over there. I think it's a great source of support since I myself am a bit "alone" in my journey as well, my sig. other is not over weight and never has been so he wouldn't know how to support me if you know what I mean. I'll PM you the link, so check your messages!

You guys are rock. I am glad to see “dragginwood” is getting some good advice. Kind of pokes holes in the FA’s theory that all we do here is bash fat folks.

Dragginwood, I would listen to Mary and Namaste on this since they have a good perspective on weight and being women and the whole mental point of view. I agree that you should not expect your husband to be the motive for doing this. This is for your health and if you have kids, family, friends, they are good reasons for taking care of yourself. The notion of putting on weight to punish someone else or retaliate against some pain in the past is self destructive and if this is the case it would be wise to seek professional help. In the meantime following a good plan like the ones mentioned can only help you but if there are serious underlying mental conditions it is very important that you seek out a professional. This is as serious as any other physical illness but if this does not apply to you please disregard. I don’t know enough about your situation to make such an assumption.
Check in often and stay in touch but keep in mind there are some in here that are not going to be as nice. Welcome.

I did forget to mention that therapy can be a great thing for someone who's going through what you are. I never sought it myself, but I think it would have helped me that much more.

Also, when you clean out your cupboards and find them bare, here's a good starting shopping list:

Equipment:
- Crock pot (If you don't already have one)
- Rice cooker (can be obtained for very cheap usually at Target or Wally World)
- Air popper for popcorn (air-popped, fat free popcorn is a great, filling snack and is actually quite good for you, high fiber, etc)
- George Foreman grill or something similar - great for cooking meat as it makes the fat drip off.
- Measuring cups, spoons, and a small, kitchen scale for measuring portion sizes.

Shelf-stable Food:
- BROWN rice (not instant, the real deal)
- all kinds of vinegar: rice wine, red wine, balsamic, apple cider, etc.
- Extra virgin olive oil
- cooking spray
- spices and seasonings for building flavors
- whole-grain pasta
- other whole grains that can be cooked in your rice cooker: barley, quinoa, millet, buckwheat groats
- popcorn (not the microwaved kind, the real deal)
- nuts (not for idly snacking on, mind you, but very nutrient-dense and measured out can be very good energy snacks)
- dried and canned beans. I keep both around, but dried ultimately ends up being better. But we all get in a pinch sometimes
- canned tomatoes and tomato purees and pastes
- curry paste
- whole wheat (or other whole-grain) flour
- oats (not instant, again, the real deal)
- 100% whole-grain bread, pita, or tortilla (although those might keep better in the fridge)

Perishables:

- veggies and fruit, obviously.
- real, plain yogurt (preferably organic)
- lean meats
- skim milk, if you must have milk.
- potatoes

I actually do not eat dairy save for my once a week cheat meal anymore (and even then it's a tiny bit I allow myself, no more than a small bite's worth of a dairy product). I have chronic sinus problems and I've had a minor allergy to dairy on and off my whole life anyway, so I figured it was best to all but give it up. Some people might find this difficult to do, so if you do consume dairy, try to make it organic dairy and low fat.

Crock pots can be used to cook both very unhealthy things and also very healthy things. A hearty, low-fat soup or stew, heavy on veggies and light on lean meat, for instance, can be a great thing. You can cook it while you're working and then when you get home, you have a healthy meal for you and your family. Utilizing tools like a crock pot or a rice cooker can greatly diminish the amount of work that goes into healthy cooking, making it just as easy (or like Markerbull said, even easier) than going out to eat or eating convenience foods.

Me and my sig. other often eat for days off the same pot from a crock pot meal, or we'll make a huge batch of rice in the rice cooker and base meals around that for a few days, too. It's a lot easier than it seems at first to commit to eating healthy every day.

As far as my diet plan goes, I don't count calories, but I do adhere to serving sizes and portion control. I basically used the food pyramid at a guide and created my own custom plan that works for me. I basically get 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. My snacks are usually a couple tablespoons of nuts paired with a piece of fruit. For my meals, the guidelines are that I get one serving of a protein, 2 servings of fruits or vegetables, and 2 servings of a whole grain. A serving of a grain is either 1/2 cup of a cooked grain (rice, millet, cous cous, quinoa, whole-grain pasta), 1 cup of cereal, or one slice of bread. A serving of meat is 3 oz., which is about the size of a deck of cards. A serving of veggies/fruit that are fresh is one cup. So with 2 whole cups of veggies/fruit along with the other stuff, a meal that I eat is actually pretty filling and generous. I did the counting calories bit in the beginning and I do believe it helped me learn how much a portion really is, but in the end I found that this plan is more realistic for me to follow, and it allows me to eat with my family and friends a little more easily while still staying on program.

Wow, i dont know where to begin. Im 24 and i think im like 50 kl overweight, im not even sure to be honest. Its so weird and i feel so bad lately because of that, i dont have boyfriend and i guess u can imagine why, but the thing is i still see myself like a beautiful woman, im pretty but my body isnt. I want desperately to lose weight, but then i feel so starving that i end up eating a lot of junk food. Even if it sounds stupid im just realizing how bad its for me to be so fat, im young and i want a regular life style. Well i do go out a lot, and have a good social life and go dancing and stuff. Im not the kind of fattys who are so depress that just keep in their houses, but i need to lose weight. I think i have to see a specialist, maybe a shrink also cause i realize this problem is psychological as well. Sex was awful with my last boyfriend, at first he seemed to be interested, oh u might have to know he likes chubby girls, but i guess chubbys are not the same that fattys.. anyway he seemed to be aroused but then when we were getting intimate and i was naked he seemed to lose the excitement, and suddenly stop being hard. You cant imagine how painful and confusing is that. Even there were times it was difficult for us to "get together" if u know what i mean.. and when he was already inside me he just start "losing it".. people u need to know this is heartbroken for me and i havent said this to any person, not even my best friend, cause this is really so embarrassing, i think the only reason im saying this now is because u dont know me.. And plz help me here to understand, WHY IS SO AWFUL TO BE WITH A FAT PERSON, SPECIALLY WITH A FAT GIRL?? I'd like to understand what exactly did he feel. Well of course there were another factors in his behavior like he being very shy and unexperienced as i was, but i think the main reason because our sex life sucked was because of my overweight. And now he is looking for me again.. so i wonder, why? i mean if he wasnt attracted to me, or at least not enough, why now he seems to be interested. Mmmm i know what im asking may seem to be a little different of the stuff u people use to discuss here, still it has to be with me being fat because thats the reason i wonder all this. Sorry for this really long post and plz answer me.

Hi Alinna!

Oh noes, I don't think that I can answer your questions without causing you even more pain - and for many of them I don't know if there really is an answer.

I don't think that even the scientists and experts know exactly how the human sexuality works and what makes men (and women) "tick" so to speak. It's probably largely something that nature has programmed into our brains in order to ensure the survival of the human species - and it happened long before the first fashion-model, porn film or McDonalds arrived on the scene. Humans store fat in order to survive famine, but in the developed part of the world famine isn't the killer anymore, it's all the unhealthy overeating and under-exercising that is causing ill-health nowadays.

Very few men find over-thin women attractive (most red-blooded macho-ish males think the über-skinny models with neither tits nor ass look un-sexy). On the other hand, too much fat on a human body isn't attractive either. It's just as "unnatural" as being too thin. I guess nature has programmed us the find the "healthy medium" - ie strong, fit and neither under- nor overweight - the most attractive.

I can see from you avi that you certainly appear to carry too much weight, but you seem to be one of those lucky women who are blessed with slim legs. Why not look at the whole weight-problem thing in a more positive light? Even if you are too heavy now you could change, and possibly turn yourself into a very genuine hot beauty - and get massive health-benefits too, provided that you go about it in a healthy way. No starvation and fad diets, but healthy eating and plenty of exercise in order to make the best you can of the body you have.

A warm welcome!

alinna wrote:

QUOTE:
...

First, I think it's great that you recognize the problem.

I can't speak for your boyfriend as I cannot relate to being attracted to "chubby" but, you've come to know a fact of physics and biology; fat can inhibit sex.

Another fact is you can make a permanent change to improve your health. Read through the forums, especially Success Stories. In there you’ll be able to read how real people have or are using real methods to turn toward healthy lifestyles.

Thanks to all who replied. It isn't my intention to "demand" any behavior from DH; I wouldn't appreciate anyone demanding anything from me. Not a good approach.

I am grateful for the good feedback about healthy choices and exercise. These are things that I read about all the time and things that I try to incorporate daily into my life. Some days I’m more successful than others.

My weight is something only I can control, and I acknowledge that. Compound the weight problem with DH’s complaint that my genitalia is “loose”; and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the proverbial gut. With this knowledge, I know that not only do I need to work out my body; but my pelvic floor as well. Just great.

I must sign off for the moment. My Nordic Track is beckoning to me. I will remember to hold in my stomach and squeeze my bum, while using it. It appears Kegels need to be thrown into my routine as well.

Ouch, Draggin, the genitalia comment had to hurt But at the same time, at least he is being honest. This is kind of a topic we don't approach much on MFS, but I will admit that at my heaviest I kind of had the same problem. It's definitely gotten better "down there." You can do kegels if you want, they're actually quite good for women to do and can help not only your sexual arousal abilities but also help you avoid urinary incontinence down the road as you get older, so they can't hurt. But you can't really do "target weight loss" like many ads like to claim. I hope your hubby isn't expecting overnight results, either, because it's more reasonable to lose 1 - 2 lbs. per week, and it took a long time to put that weight on, so it's going to take awhile to take it off too.

I hope you keep coming back here for tips and such. Did you get my PM about the weight loss support forum? Keep us and that site in mind as it can help a lot to sound off with other people who are doing the same thing as you're doing.

Keep workin' that Nordic Track, girl! And don't let negative comments drag you down, instead use them as motivation to prove everyone wrong (that's what I did).

Thanks for that Namaste - as for the reference to PM - I'm afraid I know not of what you speak... Forgot to ask... Let me know, please.. Very interested.

This forum allows you to private message people. If you check the "messages" tab at the top of this page, it'll take you to your private messages (or PM's for short). I sent you one about that website. Take care!

EDIT: OK I see you already replied to it I wrote you back!