John,

As far as prost|tutes ... I really wish this country would legalise it ... it would potentially solve a lot of our societal ills. That along with pot.

Having said that, it's not for everyone, and don't expect nearly the same level of intimacy you were use to having with your wife. I might do it again, but not without drinking alot first

The girls I saw were all very nice, slender and brown (asian or mexican) - and they worked out of a local asian massage parlor. The problem is that the first time you show up, they suspect you're a cop right up to the point you slip it in ... then all is well, but for the most part, their job is to make you climax as fast as possible. It's usually around $120 for full service of about 45min to 1hour (never any real kinky possiblities with these girls unless you have $$$$$$, but they are artists with their mouths). You might even try to find a fu[k buddy on craigslist.

The police have recently busted my massage place, and closed it down, so i would have to go through the same "test" over again at the next place.

If you want to find a local "spot" look for any asian massage/body wash place in your area. Make sure you let the girl know that you're interested by touching a little thigh, making a joke, etc.

There was a great site on the internet about how to approach the whole situation, but I can't search for it from work.

Bottom line is, it's your call - it doesn't really solve your problem, just kinda puts a feather in your cap when you do see pretty women running around, you can tell yourself "been there, done that, and done it recently" ... if that makes any sense.

But - you risk being thrown in jail (could be a good wake up call to your wife
You also risk being humilliated by an apathetic ho0ker or worse, catching some disease (you can still get crabs, even with a rubb&r)

If you have kids, or even ohn,

As far as prost|tutes ... I really wish this country would legalise it ... it would potentially solve a lot of our societal ills. That along with pot.

Having said that, it's not for everyone, and don't expect nearly the same level of intimacy you were use to having with your wife. I might do it again, but not without drinking alot first

The girls I saw were all very nice, slender and brown (asian or mexican) - and they worked out of a local asian massage parlor. The problem is that the first time you show up, they suspect you're a cop right up to the point you slip it in ... then all is well, but for the most part, their job is to make you climax as fast as possible. It's usually around $120 for full service of about 45min to 1hour (never any real kinky possiblities with these girls unless you have $$$$$$, but they are artists with their mouths). You might even try to find a fu[k buddy on craigslist.

The police have recently busted my massage place, and closed it down, so i would have to go through the same "test" over again at the next place.

If you want to find a local "spot" look for any asian massage/body wash place in your area. Make sure you let the girl know that you're interested by touching a little thigh, making a joke, etc.

There was a great site on the internet about how to approach the whole situation, but I can't search for it from work.

Bottom line is, it's your call - it doesn't really solve your problem, just kinda puts a feather in your cap when you do see pretty women running around, you can tell yourself "been there, done that, and done it recently" ... if that makes any sense.

But - you risk being thrown in jail (could be a good wake up call to your wife
You also risk being humilliated by an apathetic ho0ker or worse, catching some disease (you can still get crabs, even with a rubb&r)

If you have kids, or even if you don't - and you care for your spouse - give it your best shot in working it out. Try following some of the motivational advice here, set a good example, spend time together - if worse comes to worse, I guess you can make an ultimatum - but that's a last straw, and i think with human (female) phsychology being what it is, it almost never works. With my wife for example, I once told her she needed use some mouth wash to hide her sinus issues (actually i said her breath smelled like her dads - she didn't kiss me for months.

The one thing I will always say is - believe it or not, things could be a lot worse. There are people in the world who are empoverished, starving, and disease ridden. They may have ill family members, or have life altering disabilities themselves. They have no way to get out.

On a problem scale of 1 to 10, I'd say our collective problem rates about a 3.

Wulf

Where is that 3 on Maslows scale of self actualization?


I don't want to wander to much into politics, because I want the site to remain as apolitical as possible.

But Amen on that legalization of pot and prostitution, and few other things like this, alot of drugs even stuff like steriods seems to have been a losing proposition in attempting to fight it.

I find it ironic we can stuff our faces with crap from mcdonalds, drink vodka till our brains are fried and livers are ruined, and even smoke tobacco till we die from cancer.

But we are told we can't rent our genitalia out for hire, or smoke some grass.

What is freedom if not to choose to do what we do with our bodies the way we want to, as long as we don't hurt others.

I agree - up to the point where one's lifestyle choice starts to effect others, and burdens the tax system.

Legalized prost|tution would have to be a regulated industry - just like the beauty & hair industries are. Imagion the test questions on the state board exam http://myfatspouse.com/components/com_joomlaboard/emoticons/grin.png

Good examples of this are the NOT wearing of motorcycle helmets and expecting society to pay in case of an accident. Similarly, becoming so obese that you become a burden to society as a result of being disabled (the Rascal epidemic).

Same could be said for drug, alcohol and sexual addictions...

A little self control can go a long way, but no one can tell who in society will become addicted to what - if anything at all.

wulf

Hi Wulf,

I understand what you are saying, but this problem does not seem like it deserves a life long rating of 3. You read about how intimate my wife and I were earlier in our message. When something that powerful is ripped from your life, and it is something you were sure would be there through your marriage; I'm sorry, but for me, I feel crushed on a daily basis. I really need that incredibly deep intimacy with a woman! To give you a better idea of what was involved, my wife proudly called herself a nymphomaniac, I just called her normal.

Humbly,

John

Sounds like you and your wife had a very healthy sexual relationship. Maybe I've never felt THAT level of spontaeneousness, but I know when it clicks, it feels like there's nothing better. I remember trying all kinds of positions, and on top of all kinds of appliances, but I definitely can't see that any more, even if my wife were perfect. I'm getting to an age where I probably need chemical help from the blue pill to make a snowy hotel balcony a pasionate place again.

I understand that the weight issue is obsesive and overwhelming - man do I. It eats me up every day. But I just don't understand why her F***ING weight is such a priority in my thoughts? There are more important things in the world, but for some reason we obsess about it because obviously it's very important to the core of our being.

Personally don't know anyone who can say their sex life is as good as it was when they first met their partner. Kids, job, health, age and of course weight ... all get in the way of PERFECT, unhinderred sex.

I think most people would agree that to have that level of constant spontinaeaty, one would have to jump from affair to affair. And there are people like some of my friends - who do just that (even with, as I said, seemingly perfect wives). This is actually quite common in Europe where weight or no weight, people just cheat out of a societal status-quo. Wives cheat on husbands and husbands on wives, but they all come home to take care of the kids together, and life is grand.

Maybe that's just a natural order of things we are missing - maybe affairs are the sanest way to happiness. The problem is in the US, most quality women are looking for "lifetime commitment". So affairs are not as common or easy to come by. Case in point - when I arrive at the airport in Mexico City, I get women looking directly at my crotch with a come hither look regardless of my wedding band (same thing in on the streets in Europe). That just doesn't happen to me in the US - or maybe I'm just going to the wrong airports

Regardless, some guys just have the affair gene, and some don't. I'm not the best looking or richest dude in the world, so approaching a woman takes a lot out of me - and rejection just kills me. So I probably wont be having any affairs unless I surprise myself.

Having said that, I think if my wife doesn't succeed in losing her extra pounds, or at least half of them, it's going to drive me to divorce, or it's going to kill me.

Wulf

You guys have really made me think here. I was a normal weight when I married 26 years ago and now I'm right around 300 lbs. at 5'5" (3 kids, the youngest is 16 so baby fat isn't even a consideration.)

I think I'm really active -- lift weights 2-3 times per week; swim 40 mins 2-3 times per week with my heartrate at 70-80% of max; ride my bike 40 mins to work and back 2x per week; get in a good hour's walk at least once a week....

As a result, my bp and resting pulse rate are "athletic". If you didn't see me, but only saw those figures, you'd think I was an athlete.

But I'm really fat. My husband has tried all the things you guys have done to encourage, cajole me lose weight. Reading your postings has opened my eyes to understand more of how my being so fat for long has made him feel.
He's a man just like you guys.

So I'm going to take a more honest look at things. LIke how much do I really eat? And could I push harder when I exercise?

Let me know your thoughts about all the above. You can blast away at me, be honest. Maybe it will help get through to me, and that will be a favor to my husband.

-Jas

Hi Jas,

Honestly, I think some people are just genetically engineered to be big. But having said that, i think if you really examine what you eat, you'll find you are eating MORE just to sustain your weight - despite your heavy excersise. I'm a 6'3" male - my resting hear rate is around 55 to 60 - but I'm 30lbs overweight - classified as borderline obese. To be honest, I like to cook, and I like to eat GOOD food.

Cutting out most refined sugars from baked goods, pop and candy along with cutting high glycene index foods like red/white potatos really seems to be the key if I you want to lose weight.
Also cutting back on beef, and switching to pork or lamb seems to excellerate my own weight loss (sic book "Eat for your Blood Type ; B- in my case)

If following a reduced calorie diet along with your standard excercise doesn't promote weight loss, and this only starts making you lathargic - then have your hormones worked up by an encorinologist. But it sounds like you've got plenty of energy to exercise - you may have too much excess energy from excess food intake.

Good luck.

wulf

Jasmine I don't think anyone is going to take any shots at you on this board.

The biggest issues most of these people have is their spouses are:

1. Refuse to acknowledge that they have a weight problem
2. Refuse to understand how it affects how their significant other
3. Refuse to acknowledge that they can do something about it

From your post you don't have any of these characteristics. It appears that your only challenge is finding a way to accomplish your goals.

Remember that weight comes off more slowly than it goes on! Even more slowly for a women. I agree with the advice to get your hormonal balance reviewed. It can play a huge role in weight gain of both MEN and women.

I'm not really qualified to give advice but personally, I think a person in your situation should focus on making very steady small incremental gains (weight loss). Perhaps a pound every two weeks, with no back tracking being the primary goal.

Try to make your weight losing rituals a habit, part of your daily routine a lifestyle for years to come. Trying to lose the amount of weight you want with anything radical or extreme will only result in frustration.

You stated that you are doing resistance training. Thats a great idea because of the obvious reasons that everyone has told you about, increase calorie burning of lean mass.

In my opinion I find woman who do resistance training do too many reps with too light of weight to gain mass. Ditch the pink barbie weights and try doing sets with reps like 4 -6 -8 reps in a set. I find women get advised to do 20 and 30 reps, which really boils down to another type of cardio training.
I'm not an expert but I find that many people spend a lot of time exercising but just not doing the RIGHT exercising for them.

Thanks guys for your kindness to me. I appreciate your advice too. I do lift heavy weights do a full circuit but e.g., – I leg press 300 lbs. e.g., (I’m not kidding!) and I lift 20 lbs. per arm on biceps – a lot for a woman. My legs are very strong, and I love feeling strong all over. My chiropractor said the other day, wow, under there (my fat he meant) you are ripped!
In addition to the heavy lifting, I use Barbie bells in a sculpting class.

So it looks what I need to do is really pay attention to what I’m eating and get honest with myself about that.

I won’t look again like I did when I was 20. But at least I won’t be so ashamed of myself and mortified when my husband sees me naked.

Re the blue bill – do it, my husband who is very shy about these things did it after a bit of encouragement from me. I suggested that if his doctor doesn’t ask how his sex life is, just tell him things aren’t working like they used to “down there” and he’d like a script. The doctor gave him a sample and a script and we’ve managed to have some pretty fab sex.

-Jas

I'm not gonna lie. I've gotten a prescription for ED drugs online for entertainment purposes before. My stuff works just fine for my age 36, but I enjoy the ease of getting and maintaining a good non stop erection for special occassion sessions. Not having a refractory period also makes it a no pressure situation for you to please her as well as yourself.

Honestly I've never consulted my doctor about it, because I don't go regularly to a doctor, and frankly I would be not telling the truth, since I mainly use it to as a "preformance" enhancing drug. But I have gotten online prescriptions through online consultations. They were very expensive. I later found "grey" market sources that are much cheaper and seem to be just as good.

Yea its probably stupid to use non FDA approved stuff. But its convienent, and cheap. My wife and I work different shifts so saturday night is our night if there aren't other plans and we like to get really crazy, so having some cialis to helps make it a marathon session.

I would recommend Cialis over Viagra because of the long time frame. Absolutly no pressure on you to hurry up and have sex if there is an interuption. Best of all you can do a session in the morning as well. If you take full 20mg pill you'll feel like you are 15 years old for the next two days with spontaneous erections as you walk around at work or the mall.

Wow! although short legs do help with the 300lbs It sounds like you're very healthy - which is good because you can keep up with your kids - and really, thats what it's all about isn't it? A good strong family.

And Yea! - those blue pill do work. I got a sample from my 65 year old dad (Im 39). I took a half pill (fear of the 4 hour errection). I was stronger and recovered faster than i did at 20.

I don't have a script for it because my wife has too many things going on for me to be Superman right now (she's had female health issues along with the weight - a great combination for our sex life).

On that note, I kinda feel that if I take the pills, I'm not being true to myself or her. If I saw that she was trying to lose the weight, then I guess I would get a prescription - BUT rewarding her for working part time 24 hours a week (no kids) , watching TV to pass the time, and not exercising while I work 50, sometimes 60 hour weeks just doesn't feel right to me.

She's established this status quo, and it's hard to get the picture of her out of my mind - sitting in front of the tube with he stomach rolling over - drinking beer to wash away depression . And she REALLY wont take the hint if I mension that she drinks too much (when she drinks). A couple of times a month, she goes on a drinking binge that just totally disgusts me. I try really subtle hints, like "You know, my father was an alcoholic, and it depresses me to see anyone drunk, especially you"

She'll go off "OH! JUST GO WITH IT" - "CAN'T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY?!" - "I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME - JUST GO WITH IT OK!"

Am I bad for not wanting to be around her at those times?

Worst part is that it's during those times when my stomach is tied in knots from seeing her, smelling the beer on her breath, and listening to her zoloft/alcohol induced jibber/jabber - that we wind up having sex. Its definitely not the way I like it, but it's just the way it happens because that's usually my only window of opportunity.

wulf

I'm sure the zoloft says don't mix with alcohol on the label!

In addition we have to be careful to seperate conditions that make it difficult to lose weight from

Conditions that are the RESULT of being overweight.

Many Big folks, in their state of denial, try to blend the two types of health problems into one, so as to avoid responsibility.

Exactly ... I was on prozac for 6 months about 12 years ago, so I know how alcohol and anti-dep meds just don't mix. I never want to be in that world again, but with all the problems we've had, I might be more depressed than I was before I took prozac.

It took 10 years to get to this point. 10 years of a slow, downward death spiral. I've ridden the razors edge a long time.

A lot of our problems are out of our control, but some of them are perfectly solvable.

My wife has had 11 surgeries (Laproscopic and exploratory). Mostly due to endometriosis, and the complications thereof. The mayo clinic managed to cut nerves to her bladder and colon, so she lost continence at that time (meaning she COULDN'T go to the bathroom without a catheter to get the urine out, or helping extract fecal matter by pushing it from the inside wall of her vagina. She has since regained some of her bowel and urinary tract control, but it still gives her problems

After another series of surgeries, she was told she could have children, and her second ovary was removed. She was put on hormone replacement as being post menaupausal at the age of ~34. Five years later, it was discovered that the doctors never removed her first ovary - it was still there. She was still in the same pain she was in before all this started. No doctor would testify against the original doctors. Lawyers said we were out of the statute of limitations for a malpractice law suite. So we (she) were fu[ked over - BIG TIME. She spent 5 years on double the estrogen she needed - gaining even more weight, even faster.

Now everything makes sense, and she is on all the proper hormone replacment (progesterone, Thyroid, testosterone ... she has plenty of estrogen residual from her fat cells).

The problem we have is that all of the above took its toll on her - understandably so. But it's also take a big toll on me.

We can't have kids naturally ... her sister agreed to donate an egg xactly ... I was on prozac for 6 months about 12 years ago, so I know how alcohol and anti-dep meds just don't mix. I never want to be in that world again, but with all the problems we've had, I might be more depressed than I was before I took prozac.

It took 10 years to get to this point. 10 years of a slow, downward death spiral. I've ridden the razors edge a long time.

A lot of our problems are out of our control, but some of them are perfectly solvable.

My wife has had 11 surgeries (Laproscopic and exploratory). Mostly due to endometriosis, and the complications thereof. The mayo clinic managed to cut nerves to her bladder and colon, so she lost continence at that time (meaning she COULDN'T go to the bathroom without a catheter to get the urine out, or helping extract fecal matter by pushing it from the inside wall of her vagina. She has since regained some of her bowel and urinary tract control, but it still gives her problems

After another series of surgeries, she was told she could have children, and her second ovary was removed. She was put on hormone replacement as being post menaupausal at the age of ~34. Five years later, it was discovered that the doctors never removed her first ovary - it was still there. She was still in the same pain she was in before all this started. No doctor would testify against the original doctors. Lawyers said we were out of the statute of limitations for a malpractice law suite. So we (she) were fu[ked over - BIG TIME. She spent 5 years on double the estrogen she needed - gaining even more weight, even faster.

Now everything makes sense, and she is on all the proper hormone replacment (progesterone, Thyroid, testosterone ... she has plenty of estrogen residual from her fat cells).

The problem we have is that all of the above took its toll on her - understandably so. But it's also take a big toll on me.

We can't have kids naturally ... her sister agreed to donate an egg to a surrogate last year, so that at least we could have a child which is part of both our families. I have my selfish reasons for not adopting - I'm an only child and really want to try to propogate my family if at all possible. The problem is that what sounded promising a year ago, is now starting to sound like a burden. My wife babysits her nephew once a week, and after that experience, i don't thing she wants to be a mom anymore. She has slowly morphed into someone I really don't know, but after what she's been through - its somewhat understandable.

So, yes - it is very important to separate those situations - the one where the person has full control of their actions, and "just feel it's easier to let themselves go" vs. situations in which outside factors play a roll in their obesity.

I have never told her she needs to lose weight, nor have I humiliated her about it. It's the last thing she needs. I just wish she could start the fire under her own feet. I just don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay on this train wreck unless something changes. I still love her, but (BUT) I'd really like to still be IN love. I'm finding myself more attracted to women even 15 years older (and of course 15 years younger) than my own wife, so its not a matter of just getting a "younger cow" to quote a Jennine Garafalo movie I saw.

I just have to find some way to get her on the wagon to change her life for life.

Wulf

Wow, you have to give her some slack there estrogen IS the fat hormone.
The muscle head sites definetly attest to that. But from what I understand your body shutsdown it own natural production in situations like this in order to maintain some order.

If you however feel like you need to move on it is much better situation for both of you if you have no children.

Every day is a potential slack day now ... you take it one day at a time because making long term plans is just not practical. I just don't bring up the subject of family - but the day is coming when it will be inevitable.

I have friends who were in a similar situation... but they had two kids before her health went to sh|t. They've kept it together pretty well, but they got UBER religious. We always get their "Jesus cares for you" Christmas cards from them, but thats about the extent of our communication.

When I see my wife with her nephews and nieces, it breaks my heart, because I know she would make a great mother - but without a family, I'm going to keep hating myself, and her for not being afforded the opportunity to have one in the first place.

One thing that kill me is why some people have abortion after abortion - or kid after kid, or marriage after marriage - and bitch about it, while people like her and I, who were always careful with birth control when it was possible, are now not affored any opportunity.

Our relationship is running through all of the tests of what it truly means to be married.

Anyway, there are worse things in life - when looking at the big picture - but things like this can eat you alive.

wulf

Jasmine,

There is no one who is going to criticize you (certainly not me). It is obvious that you care, and that you are healthy at 300lbs. (but now ready to lose some of that weight).

Try the suggestions which were given to you, please. When I eat, I am very careful about extra sugars, pasta, etc. I go to every meal wondering how much harder I am going to have to work-out to rid myself of unwanted calories.

I am unsure if that might help you, but you might consider approaching meals in that way. Be assured, I, for one, am proud of you and your wonderful attitude.

Humbly,

John

Legalized prostitution and drugs is not a solution in any shape or form, short-term or long-term. It in facts brings a new layer of problems and only makes the root problem worse. And we need to think through the long-term implications that it will leave on our society and what message that sends to our children. You have to ask yourself, would you want your sons and daughters to say they wanted to be a prostitue when they grew up. Not to get into a religious debate, but can't ignore my background, look at what happened with Sodom and Gamorrah. If we didn't put some restrictions on sexual behavior who knows what can of worms we would be opening.

Let me be honest and say that my response is flooded with hypocrisy for I have been with many pros from streetwalkers, strippers, asian massage parlors, swing parties; damn near the whole nine. What I noticed in my sexual exploits, was a downward spirial and perverse sexual progression to nastier risker sexual behavior where the negative consequences heavily outweighed the minimal sexual gradification I got once the deed was done. No matter, how hot the woman or how intense the sex, I could not run away from the moral fact that what I was doing was wrong and not matter what my wife was or was not doing to make me happy, did not give me an excuse to cheat. Multiple sexual partners only adds to your confusion of what you should do about your spouse.

I am constantly in war with myself over sexual desire and the direction of that desire. I would give anything for it to be towards my wife. Lately, I have resorted strictly to porn, which as always been my safety net. However, it angers me that my wife is ok (now since she knows she can't or will not try to meet my desires and lose weight) with me masturbating to porn just so long as I am not with anyone else.

I identify with so many people on this board and it has been a relief to find out I am not alone in this battle. To the Admin, it would be ideal to have a forum of those individuals who have found success in this shared battle (if any). I would hate to believe what was told to me many years ago by someone wise that I respected and who seemed to possess the ability to forsee my future problems, "People do not change"!

People change all the time

most slowly when they are adults, but they DO change

saying they dont' is a way of not dealing with reality

Some people change rapidly

One day I started exercising and eating right, its 4 years later and now it is a force of habit

I wish my spouse would ask me to go for a walk-he is so fat he can barely move...and he tells me he gets plenty of exercise-what BS!!!
Just a matter of time before he ends up dead or in the hospital from the health problems of being morbidly obese.

When someone is extremely obese the reason they start with water aerobics is because it is easier on the joints. For someone who is obese their heart is also out of shape. They need to start out slow so they don't do damage to their heart and bones. I think at least their doing something and they gradually become more fit then they need to step it up a notch.

I think that was covered in the article quite clearly. These exercises probably are a good place to start.

You shouldn't be doing them 3 months later after you started or calling them "exercise" when you don't have a condition that would make them your only option.

Hi Chris,

Our exercise routines definitely must change as we do. Granted, some people are so fat that they can only walk a short distance, however, with dieting and that type of exercise, things will change. At that point, newer and more difficult exercise routines need to begin. From going faster and longer on treadmills, to weightlifting (muscle burns more fat), the work to become fit must be continuously progressive.

Take care,

John

You can add yoga to the wimpy exercise list. So many people (mostly women) tell themselves they're fit because they practise yoga, while doing no other form of exercise.

I personally love Pilates. It's a great adjunct to heavy weight training and a good way to work your abs - but I never kid myself that it's cardio or strength training.

Well I'm not 100% sure Yoga is wimpy exercise. I don't think if you simply do yoga that you are getting much of a cardio benefit. Nor do I think it does too much for strength building.

However, there are three pieces in my book for fitness and one of them is flexibility. And Yoga definitely checks the block on that one. The other two are strength and endurance.

For people who think Yoga is wimpy, I urge them to take an into class. It is harder than it looks, just like Tai Chi Chaun.

Is it enough? No... I don't think it is. But neither is a walking program alone, or simply lifting weights.

Combine them all and you've got a powerful tool to keeping your body running great.

-Crash

When I wrote that post I was pretty angry. I don't think any of these exercises is truly wimpy. I'm with you guys, I think they have a place.

I just have some issues with exercises that are

1. Portrayed as something they are not, like yoga for strength training

2. Are beginner level exercises that are touted as good for even advanced exercisers, like curves is.