In trying to see the bigger picture in my situation, my mind keeps coming back to the question, "is it really about the weight"? I've made his obesity the focus, believing that if only he could get down to the low 200's, then he and I could start doing more together, thus rebuilding our badly frayed bond. Now as I stand back and view this situation a little more objectively, I still see the eating disorder, but also I see a serious divergence in lifestyles and world views that have greatly contributed to where we are now. More importantly, if by the slim odds that he actually found the strength to kick the monkey off,what then? Would he revert back to the guy I thought I knew(doubtful)? Deep questions, but I'm curious to know your thoughts on this. Isn't it possible the REAL problem is incompatibility?

Your post was like a flash of light to me! My husband feigned interest in walking, hiking, cozy evenings on the patio, etc, to get me to date him. He helped frequently with house cleaning. He was slightly overweight, but I have since learned he kept his weight down till after we got married. Then it all changed!Gradually, house work was considered my job, even tho we both work full time. He's not interested in going for walks,even now that we have a dog.I can't drag him out to the patio when he could be watching TV. And he's literally gained 110 lbs since the wedding. He doesn't see what the problem is.
You're so right, even if he cared enough (which he doesn't) to look like the man I married, would he ever ACT like him again? Maybe we never were very compatible, he just presented himself other than he really was!

The weight and the lifestyle go hand and hand.

The term "lifestyle" didn't come from no where.

Being obese is a lifestyle, as well as a physical condition (irregardless of what FA People say)

Being Fit and Staying fit are a lifestyle as well. Even losing a few pounds is pointless unless a change of mindset occurs

Hi Ann,

I don't have any easy answers but I do share your confusion. Is the fat just a symptom of a deeper incompatability? Has the fat just become the target fot expressing dissatisfaction with a variety of unmet needs. I had my 25th anniversary the other day and it passed without any sparks. I wish I could find some. With my OS I sometimes feel less important than a biscut and that doesn't really get the romance charged up.

"is it really about the weight"?

for me it is...There is not a doubt in my mind. I wouldn't be here if there were something else holding us back. Sadly her weight really is holding us back, holding her back and putting a chasm between us that is getting harder and harder to get across. I know it is different for everybody. Couples fall apart for so many reasons, but I think most of us here know what is holding our marriage back and for many of us putting big parts of our lives on hold.

bexter - Thanks for responding. Your situation sounds very similar to my own, including the early days. My guy is currently in "trying" mode. We went for a short walk to the store, big change since we last walked together, he now has to stop 3x to rest his back. I've mentioned in previous posts that years ago, in order to get me to take him seriously as a suitor, he lost a bunch of weight and went to a counselor. He got down to 220 pounds, had a bounce to his step and a very positive outlook on life. Once we bought a home together however, he started eating indiscriminently, now he's 350+. Ironically, back when he lost the weight, a friend of his was so motivated that he too lost a bunch of weight, only to put it back on two years later, then croaked while having breakfast at a restuarant with his friends. What an awful way to die, for him AND his friends. Today during our walk we passed this guys widow. She looked at him, then at me. No words. Only a deep shared grief. When I joined this group in February I was a very angry lady. I've been called beautiful throughout my life, had to swat the boys off, but no sex for a couple years makes a lady a shrew, and an enraged female is NOT beautiful(think Danica this past weekend,heheh). Talking it out in this group has helped enormously with the anger. I feel the end is near. The grief can wait. Now I'm walking beside my guy, being his friend, expecting any day to get THE phone call. I wouldn't encourage any of you to become apathetic though. If your spouse is otherwise spunky, I say continue to poke, prod & encourage them toward improvement. I'm also facing what will most likely be the loss of my father AND my 13 yr old dog within the next year, so my current resigned state should not be emulated(please).

Tuesday - thanks for your feedback. I'm sure when this is over I will look back and see the glaring incompatibility, then try to figure out why I stepped into it. I feel for your situation. Twenty five years is a big chunk of one's life. The only thing I can say is that it's a little easier for middle aged men, and you look to have kept fit. One day it may all make sense.

Ann,
Your situation demonstrates how serious this toic is and the value of this site. Obesity and the choices that lead to it hurt people in so many ways. You express yourself wonderfully and I can feel the width and depth of your emotional journey. You appear to have a very strong and resilient character. May God strengthen you and grant you great wisdom.

Sorry - that last post was meant for Rick.

"for me it is...There is not a doubt in my mind. I wouldn't be here if there were something else holding us back."

Hi Tuesday. I hope this means you and your spouse still share some bonding experiences despite the weight? I understand where you're coming from though. I'm sure you dream about the time the two of you will reclaim whatever level of activity you had before. The heart never forgets.