Well, first of all, I'm not a religious person, so I'm not bound by any belief system.

But second, and most importantly, it's my fat spouse. Besides the sexual turn-off, and that's a biggie, it's the person she's become because of all the excess weight. Think about the quality of life issues: we can't drive a small car (we have two cars - she drives the van and I drive the convertible that I hate and she wanted, simply because she doesn't fit in it anymore); she can't do much housework, so I have the "privilege" of doing it all; she has trouble holding down a job due to obesity-related illnesses, so I have to earn more and more just to support us (tying me to a job and location I don't like); she can't get life insurance unless we pay through the nose or I get it through my job; we can't do things together, even something as simple as grocery shopping, let alone something like walking through the woods or something, because she tires too quickly from being so heavy. She's suffering from numerous maladies that weren't there when we first got together, likely as a result of carrying an extra person around for so long. That makes for bigger doctor bills and missed time from work. Here's something simple, but it adds up - her clothes have to be bigger, which means more loads of laundry and increased expense, more drawer and closet space needed, the need to shop at specialty shops for clothes, etc. And she gets injured more easily due to the increased weight. Add all this up (and more that I haven't mentioned), and the quality of life goes way down.

I haven't decided finally to get a divorce, but I'm sure leaning that way. But it would be so simple to solve - just lose the weight!

Yup, your wife represents the reality of severe obesity when you are past your youth. How can someone love food and hate exercise so much that it comes to that? I just don't understand it - and, besides, at some point some of the damage (knees, joints etc) is irreversible.

QUOTE:
But second, and most importantly, it's my fat spouse. Besides the sexual turn-off, and that's a biggie, it's the person she's become because of all the excess weight. Think about the quality of life issues

Well put. The list of quality of life issues can get pretty long. What does lack of energy, obesity couple's social life for example. It would be nice if this were simply an issue of sexual attraction. It would be so much easier, but obesity is a many headed hydra. You can't win by chopping off a head. You may be able to accept the diminished attraction and less than ideal sex life, but what about the health issues. You may be able to put the health issues aside and tell yourself that you can no more be responsible for your spouses health than you can for your parents. We are all adults here and she didn't nag you when you were a pack a day smoker, but then you have the social stigma issue. you don't have to feel bad about the negative stereo types society will associate with with and your obese spouse. You can deal with prejudice and the effects this very real bigotry will have on your spouse and your family, but you will still have to deal with all the other quality of life issues. Missing out on that walk in the woods, going biking, etc.

I guess my point is the sad lament about how bad the obese spouse feels about how you don't find them attractive anymore may be the very least of you and your spouses problems.

Would you rather deal with the fact that your spouse thinks your too fat or would your rather deal with your increased risk factors for cancer, heart disease, arthritis and a myriad of other afflictions?

Fortunately their is a solution. Get with your doctor, put together a program, stick to it and lose the weight before you lose your spouse, your ability to run around the block, your chance at a big raise and promotion at work(Yes! They will pass you over and give the money to the good looking skinny one.). Lose the weight before it is too late. The pounds are dragging you and everyone around you done. Get up! Get Busy! Get going! Please?

Have you ever sat down and made a list, actually two lists?
One list for the reasons you are still in the marriage, the other one for reasons to get out?
Maybe that would clarify things for you!

I am sorry, but I could not and would not stay with a partner who is that obese.And since it doesn't sound like you have children, you get off easy!.
Sure hope so, that you don't have to pay for her after the divorce!!!

Love - I've been thinking of divorce for like a decade. The lists have long been made, and it keeps coming back to a couple of things that make me stay - finances, guilt, obligation, hope that things will change (they never do), and up until recently, the fact that we lived out of town and I'd have to relocate her and the stuff she keeps (and she can have most of it). Now that we're in her hometown, that is no longer an issue. Finances won't be an issue soon, and I'm working on the guilt, hope and obligation (see my reply to the This is turmoil thread).

Nope, no children with her. Thank goodness. But a long duration marriage, so I'm expecting alimony. Now to calculate how much I'll be able to afford and still live above homeless.....

This is a very tough situation. Unfortunately it will get worse as she gets older and her health problems mount (maybe to the point of being wheelchair bound or bed ridden and you taking care of all her basic needs). If all of the health problems and talks and the loss of the ability to move about like a normal human being did not motivate her to change, then she probably won't change.

IFeelStuck, it is a good thing you never had kids or it would have been much worse. Since you have been thinking about divorce for over a decade says alot about how this marriage is going. You need to speak with an attorney and look at both the worst case and best case scenarios BEFORE you even mention it to your wife. Follow their advice because being male in the U.S is a huge point against you when it comes to legal precidence.

In the meantime you need to do what you can to find out how to better yourself and if you can swing it get therapy for both of you. Even it this relationship falls apart you dont want to take mental baggage with you to the next one.

Thanks, Bull. I'm going through the planning process even now. A big obstacle I'm going to have to get past is the guilt, so I've decided to give her more help than she can handle on the weight issue. If she's going to use that as an excuse, I'll nip that in the bud right now. At least that way my conscience will be clear when/if I decide to leave her. Of course, who knows? Maybe she'll get the wake up call and do something about it. Maybe not, and if not, then I go.

If I do end up leaving, I plan to take a good long time before getting involved with anyone again. I'm really quite soured towards marriage, at least for me. Two unsatisfying marriages can do that to a person.

Thanks for the support. We'll see how it goes.

In today’s age marriage is not as good for a man as it used to be. You need to look at it from a legal and logical standpoint. I love my wife but getting married did not make me love her any more or less. It just made a public display to show my commitment to her and women love the attention and adoration from their families. Marriage ceremonies are their time to shine and they, unlike little boys, dream about it from childhood. Commitment means security and they crave it so they can relax, make babies and get comfortable. Of course this only applies to the masses and not the few decent, hardworking ladies out there that seem to be fading in numbers as time wears on.
If you get divorced don’t remarry. If you must remarry consider non-traditional minded U.S women or foreign. I married a half Norwegian/ American woman so she only got partly lazy and partly fat. This society is terrible for filling young women with insane notions of self entitlement, princess syndromes, and fat acceptance. For every “Mary” and “Cicci” there are going to be a dozen others you should avoid. If you need a piece in the meantime after marriage get a pro. They are cheaper and take better care of themselves than most other women.

"princess syndromes" are terrible. They've caught on like those ugly ass Coach bags and Louie Vuitton bags