l0rdh wrote:

QUOTE:
This is reaaaallly long.. sorry
It's my first post, and your story is so familiar. I thought I was the only one.

Alright... First of all, Let me Introduce myself. I am a 35 year old guy from New Jersey (Yea, Yea, I know.. the armpit of the US). I found this site while looking around the net for some self-help (Thanks for a Great Site!).

I was a thin guy in my early years... never had a problem with the ladies, etc. I then got married and fell into the "Marriage Comfort Trap" and slowly gained excessive weight over the years.
My wife also fell into this trap.

I had begun to notice that she was losing weight and I felt like I owed it to her to do the same. In my head I thought " I'm not gonna let her be the hot chick with the Big Lazy, Sunday Night Football Snackin, Beer Chuggin, Gut Havin, slob!"

In 2001, over a years time,I lost a total of over 100 pounds after realizing that life basically sucked when you're overweight. I decided that I was no longer myself and needed to break out of this awful shell I built around the guy who was really me. So I woke up one day and was done with it. Period. No more junk food, no more laziness, strict discipline and ALOT of reading and learning the science behind losing weight.

At that point, she started to slack off of her plan and fall back into old habit. When questioned about this, she said that due to my weight loss being faster and noticed by everyone, that I stole her thunder :huh:..???
Note: that was 2001.

Fast forward to present...

I take pride in how I look, I buy nice attractive clothes, I am well groomed, I try to always smell nice and be a rather rakish fellow... heheh

She could care less.. about these things or things I have told her bluntly are a major turnoff to me.

For the sake of not coming off like a total ass, lets just say that I am totally not attracted to her body.. somebody else maybe... but not me.

But I still love the person she is.

I try to be fair about these things as one man's vanilla is another man's chocolate. And no, I don't expect any woman to look like a magazine model. Hell, just that act of a woman working out and paying attention to herself turns me on...

I totally feel your pain... and turmoil is the perfect word to describe daily life.. when you feel like you're ALONE.

I am in a similar situation and have been dealing with it for quite some time. In fact, I feel like an expert on "How to survive daily life with a spouse who just doesn't care"

As much as I hate to say it... (here goes..) I have not had intimate relations with my wife for over 6 years. Yep... totally true..

It has been a struggle, as I feel the same exact way as you do.. Don't get me wrong, she has a wonderful heart, and is probably one of the most caring people in the world. Just not to me..

I have tried the "Nice Guy" approach, the "Coach", the "Encourager" you name it. It just doesn't work. I have reached a point this year where I have just flat out told her that we are steadily approaching a divorce.

It has cost me so much... I have wanted children now for awhile, but I am hesitant to even try because I don't want to bring a child into a relationship that is doomed.

You have to make a game-plan for yourself so that you can move on. I have decided a date for 2009, if things arent fixed.. I'm out. There is only so much you can do... if you have expressed your feelings to your spouse, and they are aware of the problem, and still have not shown any kind of effort to change... then they have dug their own hole as far as I'm concerned. It's their responsibility.

You can't feel bad about fantasizing about great sex and beautiful people... it's natural. It's a built in mechanism given to us to promote procreation. Geez! I stopped feeling bad about looking at women a long time ago... I'm tired of it, and I no longer feel like a bad-guy.

If you have confronted your spouse in a kind way about the problem, and they have ignored you, then there is nothing else that you can do.

I finally realized after being caught up on the carousel of pain, that life is too short... times can be tough, but rest assured, things will only get more grim as time goes on if things never change.

Like old Big Teeth says:

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
Tony Robbins

Peace;)

Hi, and welcome!

Sorry to hear about your situation and I can't offer much advice for you seeing as how I am the one that's the former fat spouse and trying to stay on my stuff.

I don't really have much help other than to wish you luck and ask where you got your kick ass default pic from!

God Bless!

Hi! Thanks for the hospitality!

Just a note for ya about the avatar C.Ricci :

That's the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla..

Lord Humungous!

hehehe

see the link below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TL4XZdyo3g

I look forward to spending some time here learning about everyone and offering (and receiving) advice!

Thanks Again!

Thanks again for posting. I'm looking forward to you staying around and contributing for a while.

QUOTE:

. When questioned about this, she said that due to my weight loss being faster and noticed by everyone, that I stole her thunder

This is plain old blame shifting. Someone doesn't want to acknowledge their role in their own plight.

I absolutely agree with you about your opinions about having children at this point in time.

I'm with Chris on that - blame shifting. My wife does that, too. "I want to lose weight, but you won't help me. blah blah blah" I'm not a surgeon, so I can't cut the weight off her. But after reading this site all morning (yes, I did manage to get some work done between reading posts), I made a major decision. I, too, am ready to give my wife an ultimatum. Well, maybe not in so many words, but I'm going to start holding her feet to the fire, today. I went to the library over lunch and picked up three books - two on low fat cooking (partly for me, but also for her), and one on obesity. Since I love reading and doing research, I've decided to give her the "help" she demanded - I'm putting her on a strict low-fat diet. Well, we won't jump in with both feet, but rather migrate to it over the next couple of weeks. And if she decides to cheat, I'm calling her on it with responses like, "do you want the ice cream or me?" And I, too, will set a deadline. We're paying off a chapter 13 bankruptcy, which should be done by about November of 2009. I'm going to push and push for the next year until it's financially prudent, and if she continues to neglect her health and me, despite all my efforts, then I'm done. And with no guilt, because at least I will have given it my best shot.

I feel for you, dandylioness. But how can he possibly stay in the military if he's so out of shape? Don't they do PT tests? If you need one more thing to threaten or coerce him with, you could try that. But if you've done all you can do and he still doesn't listen, then quietly put some money aside for the trip, pack your most important possessions, and drive to your folks' house. Best of luck.

QUOTE:
"I want to lose weight, but you won't help me. blah blah blah"

This is the double edged swords of helping a spouse. If you help them and you slack one bit, or even you never slack at all. You may very well be blamed for his or her failure.

Logically explain to me how this has any merit?

QUOTE:

This is the double edged swords of helping a spouse. If you help them and you slack one bit, or even you never slack at all. You may very well be blamed for his or her failure.

If I hear the 'I overeat because my husband doesn't support and understand me' and the 'I can't loose because he doesn't give me the right kind of help and encouragement' I think I'll scream...

Basically it's a simple case of 'you created your own mess, so please clear it up yourself, and you should be very grateful that I'm sticking around at all'. All help and encouragement from the fit spouse is an added extra bonus, not an earned right.

I get sick of hearing women blame their husbands too. If a woman REALLY wants to loose weight then she will do the work herself. Nobody can get you working toward healthy habits unless you want to. My husband is very happy that I'm loosing weight, but I don't expect him to do it for me for Pete's sake because I think one of the major keys to weightloss is mental.

Chris wrote:

QUOTE:

QUOTE:
"I want to lose weight, but you won't help me. blah blah blah"

This is the double edged swords of helping a spouse. If you help them and you slack one bit, or even you never slack at all. You may very well be blamed for his or her failure.

Logically explain to me how this has any merit?

It seems almost human nature to not believe your spouse or those close to you. Almost biblical with "a prophet is never recognized in their own land".

My wife will not accept what I have to say about fitness or just about anything and I have a cert in personal training as well as being an analyst in the past. It is almost like having to tell someone else what I know so that she will listen to them.

Hi,

Speaking from experience having an affair or separating might cause your husband to loose weight and care more about his appearance but chances are it will not last. I had an affair several years ago mainly because my husband was being nasty to me and he tried to stir up an affair with one of his old flames. I spent many weeks deeply depressed I lost allot of weight (not a good way to diet). I had an affair with an old friend who comforted me at an emotional time. My husband found out about the affair and started changing. He became nicer to me and started exercising and loosing weight. Well, that lasted about 6 months. He is now more over weight than ever although not nasty to me. I am not attracted to him, we do not sleep together and yes, and we are more like roommate than lovers. I am not happy with my relationship but I am happy with myself. Moral - an affair is not the answer nor do I think separation is the answer. Start boosting your own self-esteem by doing something that will bring you happiness. Pick-up a hobby, interact with others and take care of your self physically. Make sure you eat right and give yourself the love you deserve. Whether you stay with him or not at least you will be doing things that will contribute to your overall well-being.