I am so happy to have found this site. I was in denial myself for years. I loved my husband so much that I believed all of his promises and excuses. I became very defensive when people would make comments to me about his weight. Through the years (and there have been many) he gained more and more weight until he was well over 300 lbs. He is only 5'8".

Obese men take notice: the penis does shrink significantly and erections become difficult to achieve and maintain. As my husband gained more weight the sex became less satisfactory for me. I lost interest and a chronic depression set in. I asked him to lose weight to save our sex life but he got a penile implant instead. Now we will never know if losing weight would have made a difference in our sex life. I don't like the implant. And his fat is still in the way. And the 2 times we had sex since the implant weren't any better than before the implant and I am angry that he chose surgery before giving weight-loss a try.

Over a year ago he had a double total knee replacement and he is only 58. At first no surgeon would touch him because of his weight. He finally lost 50 lbs and found a surgeon to do the operation. It is taking forever for him to recover. We still can't walk on the beach together or take bike rides. And I have refused to have sex until he loses a significant amount of weight. I can't say I am totally repulsed but the sex is awful.

Divorce is out of the question because aside from the weight issue we get along pretty well, and he is a good person and father. We have 11 year old twins who would be devastated. I brought them into the world under these circumstances and I am not about to make them suffer the consequences of a failed marriage.

He is still trying to lose weight but won't give up the junk food. I have given up and started focusing in my own needs. I have recovered from my chronic depression with the help of paxil. My career has taken off and I have some interesting people in my life. But I miss sex. Even more now that I am healthier. I have always been thin and fit. I look great, I feel great and I have no one to share that with.

Is it really that wrong to seek a partner for sex? It just doesn't seem fair.

Well,

That is a tough call. If you find a "partner" and engage in sex with him, and then your husband finds out, it would be a lot more devastating for everyone than if you "just" divorced him in the first place.

Think this through. Your kids will "hate" you both for a divorce. But if there is infidelity involved they'll know who to point the finger at.

T.

Oh wow Suzanne what a terrible story. The sadder fact is so many other women share your plight.

Believe it or not there are people that think that cases like your's don't exist. Fat Acceptance calls your situation a "strawman".

My fidelity would certainly be tested in your situation. The people who would judge probably have no clue what you have been going through.

Find that person.

I feel very sorry for you. I was in a similar situation. My ex was so heavy, I didn't want to have sex with him, grossed me out.
I divorced him after 25 years and after our girls had left the house. Now I have a partner who goes hiking, exercising, kayaking, camping, biking .... with me, things my ex could and would never do.

Suzanne,

I empathize with your situation and don’t feel that there is necessarily any right or wrong answer. In a perfect world is it wrong to cheat? Yeah. But it’s also unfair for you to go without a sex life. I struggle with these thoughts as well and know how it’s hard not to feel guilty.

However, I find it rather revealing as it is equally disturbing that your husband would go to such lengths as getting an implant rather than losing the weight. To me this is just an indicator that he has NO plans to lose the weight. Opting to have an invasive medical procedure rather than addressing the real issue is troubling? This is will be the least of his health problems if he continues on this path.

Of course the best thing to do is to have “The Talk” with him regarding his weight. It’s only fair. But how many of us on this site have done so and to no avail? It’s really frustrating.

At least one positive thing is that you are not totally repulsed by him. I wish you luck. Keep us posted.

Sally

Gosh, sounds so familiar.... same thing here. I am active, he is not. He has knee problems, no sex anymore because of the issues you mentioned. I've tried everything and have given up. I have an 11 yr old too so looking ahead at what it will put him through.....vs being happy myself.

Hi northern lady and welcome! Yes it's amazing how many of us out there are in VERY similar situations. Often I read these posts and it's like I'm reading about my own situation. Before ending up on this site I really thought I was the only one dealing with these issues...I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone but it helped to know that there are others out there that truly understand and empathize with us

I feel your pain!! I have a very active sex drive but I just don't feel turned on by my husband. He is pushing 400 pounds I'm almost sure of it.